Worthy
by Of Moonlight And Shadows
Summary: The greater you're perceived to be, the higher your Worth rises. And the higher your Worth is, the longer your existence is preserved. But what if you don't want to be saved?
1. Prologue and Allegiances

Prologue

She had left her, that day by the stream. Left her so she could run back the way she had come, tail between her legs, to find help to save her own life.

Her own miserable, _worthless_ life.

It was said some wounds cannot be healed by all the herbs of the greatest medicine cat. Regardless of her Worth, regardless of the compassion and courage that would earn her more herbs and greater levels of care that would all but guarantee her survival.

What good were they all? What good were the herbs that had failed her, of what use was the high Worth that had earned her a cautious treatment of her dead body?

It all seemed so flawless, as they dragged a particular lump of dull gray-white fur into the burial clearing. So perfectly wrong that it had to be _her_ of the countless cats who had all survived, all blessed by their natural heroism that earned them high enough a Worth to be saved each time?

She had gazed in hollow silence as the body was lowered to the ground, allowing them to bury the last of her own spirit beneath the dust.

* * *

He always broke into sadistic, throaty purrs as he tormented the other apprentices. He twitched his whiskers every time he noted their pathetic attempts to put on brave faces to conceal their welling tears, and never bothered to hide his smirks when they flinched.

No one could see that there was no conviction behind his scorn, no mirth behind his purrs.

And he wouldn't have had it any other way.

His Worth lowered each time he bared his teeth at a kit and taunted another apprentice. He had watched, uncaring, as it dwindled from 230 to 205 to 150 to a mere 95 - one of the lowest known. It was almost amusing to see the clan flare up over the mockeries he made, the atrocities he committed that scattered the cats in his path and made him feel _strong._

Because his Worth would only ever matter if he was on the verge of death, if he needed a _savior._ But he was never going to need one, never in his lifetime. He was going to survive - not by a medicine cat's miracle, but by his sheer power and will.

Because he was tough and strong: he would survive when the others hadn't.

* * *

Allegiances

 _ThunderClan_

LEADER

Ravenstar - small, sleek black tom with green eyes and lighter flecks across his pelt

DEPUTY

Ambercloud - mottled tortoiseshell she-cat with pale gray eyes and a twisted paw

MEDICINE CAT

Cloudsong - white-furred she-cat with gray patches and clear blue eyes (Apprentice: Honeypaw)

WARRIORS

Cinderfang - pale gray tom with darker flecks (Apprentice: Bluepaw)

Whiteflower - light brown tabby she-cat with distinctive white ears and paws

Sedgefire - long-haired gray tabby she-cat with brilliant green eyes (Apprentice: Ashpaw)

Mossystripe - silver-white she-cat with dark ears and tail

Rainclaw - dark gray tom with a long tail and paler underbelly and tail-tip

Russetwing - dark red-brown she-cat with large amber eyes (Apprentice: Tigerpaw)

Emberfur - muscular ginger tom with a plumy tail and green eyes (Apprentice: Hollypaw)

Flameheart - spirited dusky brown she-cat with amber eyes

Leafstorm - handsome white-furred tom with light brown patches (Apprentice: Brackenpaw)

Wolfstrike - quiet dark gray tom with white paws and clear blue eyes (Apprentice: Smokepaw)

QUEENS

Larkfur - dark brown mottled she-cat with amber eyes

Poppyheart - light tortoiseshell she-cat with green eyes (mother to Rosekit and Foxkit)

APPRENTICES

Honeypaw - pretty golden-brown she-cat with amber eyes and white ear-tufts

Bluepaw - powerful blue-gray tom with long claws

Ashpaw - small gray-furred she-cat with blue eyes and a plumy tail

Tigerpaw - muscular dark brown tabby tom with piercing amber eyes

Hollypaw - dark gray, almost black, she-cat with green eyes

Brackenpaw - light ginger tom with white paws and tail-tip and amber eyes

Smokepaw - thick-furred gray she-cat with deep blue eyes and lighter paws, underbelly, and tail-tip

ELDERS

Lionfur - long-haired golden tom with amber eyes

* * *

 **Okay, well, that's the prologue. The actual chapters will be longer, and not as dramatic (or whatever you might call it).**

 **Please review!**

 **~ Of Moonlight And Shadows**


	2. Chapter 1

**Hi, again! This is the first real chapter :)**

* * *

 _Reviews_

 _KristiHope: Aww, thanks :) It helps me too, both reading and writing, cuz often when I write a character I put parts of myself into his/her thoughts._

 _Honeyflame: Well, now apparently ;) but in general, not really sure, just as fast as possible, lol_

 _Shadowy Flames: Thanks! (love your username, by the way)_

 _StormyDarkness: Thank you so much! I'm trying to update whenever I can._

 _The Unnamed Guest: Lol. You'll see soon enough. Actually you'll figure out one of them in this chapter... so review! :) But here's a hint, neither is Honeypaw or Bluepaw, lol._

* * *

Chapter 1

The sun fell lower in the dimming sky, casting its final oblique rays against the deep orange-pink of the wispy clouds, elongating the long shadows of the cats in the clearing. The shadows of the two cats in the center twisted and whirled with a sort of surreal grace, like wisps of darkness engaged in a dance of death.

Smokepaw twisted to avoid Bluepaw's outstretched forepaws, ducking elegantly sideways before rearing up and slamming her paws on top of his head with unmatched speed and precision. She drew in a breath.

Two moons ago, battling - even training - filled her with a sort of rush of unparalleled excitement at showing off her power in front of the other apprentices, proving that she was worthy of their respect.

Taking advantage of his dazed staggering, Smokepaw smirked hollowly, using sheer brutality to jerk Bluepaw's shoulder backward, forcing him to crumple on the dirt ground at her paws, before leaning over and pressing a paw against his throat.

Two moons ago, Smokepaw would have fought with the zealous heart and competitive spirit of any apprentice, fighting her denmates to flaunt her victory in front of them for the rest of the day.

Two moons ago, Smokepaw would have given more than a mere mousetail about if she won or lost a battle, even in training.

Her movements were mechanical, nowadays, thoroughly rehearsed with a dull air about them, as she avoided Bluepaw's flailing hind legs to hold him down easily. Her mind connected to little beyond the series of movements she had been taught to engage in specific situations, mentally repeating her mentor's words. _If they leap, you duck under them, if they dodge sideways, use your free paw to lash out..._

No instinct.

She clearly didn't have a sisterly instinct to stay and protect Willowpawfrom a fox two moons ago. No, she had just turned tail and fled. _Survival_ instinct - StarClan knew, it showed its disgusting face when she least wanted it.

She might as well have delivered the killing blow herself, ripping Willowpaw's life from her with her own claws-

It didn't matter. If she couldn't - or rather, wouldn't - even bother fighting for her sister's life, there was no point in forcing herself to maintain that StarClan-damned thing they called self-preservation instinct, anyway.

"That's enough!" Emberfur called out, padding closer. "Well done, both of you."

He dipped his head to Smokepaw, though she dully detected a trace of dissatisfaction lingering within his eyes as she released her denmate and brushed past the warrior and padded back over to where her mentor stood.

Wolfstrike nodded impassively, flicking his tail as Smokepaw settled herself beside him, but she noted that even the stone-faced expression for which her mentor was so well-known couldn't completely conceal the disappointment flickering in his blue eyes. _He knows I could have done better._

She gazed around at all of the gathered warriors and apprentices, flattening her ears slightly as she picked up the murmurs that rippled between them as they stared, half-sympathetically, half-ridiculingly, at her. _They all know it._

To her surprise, Wolfstrike spoke up, drawing a hush over the other cats. "Continue training without us. I would like to speak with my apprentice separately."

He didn't look at Smokepaw as he spoke, but the deliberate twitch of his ear in her direction pushed her to lick her chest fur self-consciously, embarrassment pulsing as she followed her mentor away from the training clearing.

Typically, Smokepaw reflected, Wolfstrike was a rather detached mentor, a quiet and reserved cat who only spoke when necessary, earning him the respect of the cats around him, not only in ThunderClan but in the four clans alike. But now, waves of some emotion which Smokepaw couldn't quite place radiated off his gray fur.

 _Fox-dung,_ she thought, directing her anger at Willowpaw. _If you hadn't put yourself in the face of a fox, you wouldn't have died so fast, and Cloudsong would have saved you, and I wouldn't be here facing Wolfstrike right now..._

 _Shut up._ Was that her own mind or the vengeful presence of her sister? _You know it's your fault._

 _But..._

 _But nothing,_ she told herself. _You ran away, you pathetic coward._

The roaring volumes of scarlet chaos in her head subsided for a while after that.

It almost amused her, she realized idly as she followed her bristling mentor through the trees, to see this effect on him, to see cats burying themselves in sentiment over things that simply weren't worth it.

Like her. Not worth it.

She nearly flinched, hissing in surprise as she stumbled gracelessly over her paws to stop herself from colliding with Wolfstrike as her mentor stopped short in his tracks before whipping around to face her. When he spoke, however, his mew was surpringly calm.

"Listen, Smokepaw, you-"

"Just say it, for StarClan's sake!" Smokepaw spat, unsheathing her claws and sinking them into the dirt beneath her paws. Wolfstrike tipped his head sideways, clearly puzzled by her sudden outburst, which only infuriated her further. " _Tell me_ I'm a mouse-brained, pathetic _idiot_ of an apprentice and that you would rather have any other cat."

Wolfstrike sighed. "I'm not going-"

"You know you want to," Smokepaw challenged. _"Do it."_

Another sigh, as Smokepaw lashed her tail impatiently. "No, just-"

"Fine, then I'll say it." She stalked closer, almost nose-to-nose with her mentor for a dangerous heartbeat, her mew growing louder and louder as she continued. "I'm a mouse-brained, pathetic excuse for a cat, and my mentor should have gotten better than _this_ because StarClan knows, a _coward_ like me shouldn't even have been born in the first place!"

The words were tumbling out of her faster than she could think them. Words she had never thought to call herself poured into her mind, because she was a good-for-nothing, useless-

When she met Wolfstrike's eyes again, his blue gaze was icy. "Finished?"

"No."

"Oh, I think you are." Wolfstrike lowered his gaze for a brief heartbeat before looking at her again, forcing her to meet his clear stare with her own inflamed one.

 _Oh, but I forgot to mention, weak-minded, arrogant, disloyal-_

"Smokepaw!" Wolfstrike nudged her gently, and to her mild surprise, only concern was reflected in his gaze. He drew in a long breath, as if he was preparing himself for the words he was going to utter, as Smokepaw lowered her head in apology. "This is about Willowpaw, isn't it?"

She didn't answer.

She wondered if he could see a huge lump rising in her throat as she forced herself to swallow roughly, flatten her ears and look away.

"My previous apprentice, Poppyheart," he began, and she pricked her ears in surprise. Wolfstrike was a young warrior - he must have really impressed Ravenstar if he already had two apprentices. "Halfway through her training, she slipped on the stepping-stones by the stream and cracked something in her head."

 _Of course, she happened to have a high enough Worth, and you brought her back to camp soon enough._

"She's still alive," Smokepaw pointed out instead, choking down the bitterness like traveling herbs.

Wolfstrike flicked his tail. "That she is."

 _It's not fair. Willowpaw's Worth was high enough, too._

 _But you didn't bring her back to camp. Maybe if you had, there would have been time left to save her._

And her Worth still had risen, she reflected dully. Up it had gone, increasing by nearly sixty at this single feat. Because everyone thought she had put her clan above all else, even her littermate. _When in reality, you were just too much of a coward to stay and fight alongside your own sister._

Her mentor touched his tail to her cheek, as if he understood the thoughts racing through her head. "Even still, I felt as though... as though I had failed as a mentor. I couldn't protect my own apprentice. But it gets better."

"'Better' doesn't bring my sister back to life, does it?" she hissed back, regretfully more harshly than she had intended.

"StarClan wanted her. Nothing could have changed that," Wolfstrike murmured plainly. "It's been nearly two moons since it happened. No one can deny it was a true tragedy."

 _Tell me something I don't know._

"...And you have the highest Worth of all the apprentices. You ran back to warn the clan, and you put your clan above your personal relationships, even with your sister."

 _But I didn't,_ Smokepaw thought miserably. _I ran because I was a coward._

"I know how it feels," Wolfstrike mewed quietly. He reached his tail out again towards Smokepaw, but she recoiled, a sudden spasm of silent rage coursing through her gray figure like ripples of fire.

Her throat went dry, as if a million sparks had rendered her mute, but when she opened her jaws again, her mew was surprisingly steady, as opposed to the violent cataclysm within her that she fought to suppress to within the realms of her numb heart.

"I don't want your pity," Smokepaw growled.

Then she turned and fled into the trees.

* * *

 **So, there's the first chapter!**

 **I was thinking, I'm going to do a thing at the end of each chapter where I put up a lyric that's at least somewhat related to the story, and y'all can guess(if you want), song and artist, what it is in the reviews!**

 **So here it is for this chapter: "Every time I go to sleep / I scream 'cause you're not there / This is my nightmare"**

 **(Credit goes to the artist, revealed in the next chapter)**

 **Anyway, please review! What do you think of Smokepaw?**

 **~ Of Moonlight And Shadows**


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